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SELLING MY SOUL TO THE SCROLL

DEAR LORD,  SOMEONE SOMEWHERE PLEASE TAKE MY PHONE AWAY FROM ME!
Hide it from me.

Throw it out the window from the 100thfloor (but, ferchrissakes check for pedestrians below please, I don’t want anyone injured.)

Toss it overboard into the sea – have it swim with the fishes (then retrieve it to dispose of it sustainably if possible.)

Seriously though, please someone help.

I HAVE NO SELF CONTROL & AM ON MY PHONE FOR WORK, PLAY, & COMPLETE MIND-NUMBING RIDICULOUSNESS AT ALL TIMES!!! HELLLLLLLLLLP!

Whew.
Sorry about all of the shouting to start this all off. But, I needed to get that off of my chest. Recently I’ve been struggling with how damn addicted I am to screens, & to scrolling.

Mindlessly, mostly, too.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how much more productive a human being I could be out of work hours if I spent less time on any kind of device. Thinking ain’t doing, I know.

But, it wasn’t until the recent iOS update that I was hit squarely between the eyes (seriously, right in the brain) with irrefutable information on how much time I’m spending on my phone. With the new “screen time” data available that I now see – in unmistakeable numbers – just how much of my time I’m wasting scrolling.

The numbers aren’t pretty, Team.

A small story:
Day one after the new iOS update I confidently opened up my phone to check my usage data for the day. I’d had a busy day at work & busy bookends to the day doing the school-run & school pick-ups. Surely I would be an exemplary example of digital mastery and methodical app mastery.

Um, nope.

I’d spend THREE HOURS on my phone on social media alone. I spent 2 hours of that time on Instagram. What the actual f*ck? I couldn’t even remember being on Instagram. Let alone any of the content I’d apparently consumed. Yuck.

From this point, I realized I’d need a self-intervention. After having taken all social media apps off of my phone this time last year – they’d crept back into my daily life & back onto my homescreen. When I say ‘crept’ I mean hit my iphone like an avalanche of time-yet-to-be-wasted. GAH!

From the second day of recording my screen time, it became glaringly obvious that I’m still a tech/social-media addict. I know I’m not alone in this. But, when you’re someone who studies the physiological & psychological effects of new media on our brains – I should be better than Josephine Bloggs at logging off. Right?

Again, nope.

Right now I’m wrestling with taking all social apps off of my phone again. It is definitely time to start putting limits in place to stop myself feeding the feed with a soulless & unending scroll that my attention isn’t even paying attention to.

Because time-wasting is most literally wasting time. And there’s nothing I abhor more than wasting our most precious & unrenewable resource as humans.

Hints

  1. Be super intentional when it comes to your time & attention
    Don’t just be intentional, throw a cape over your shoulders & be SUPER intentional with who & where you spend your time & attention. I have found it pretty hard/frustrating to focus my attention with my phone anywhere within eyesight. To counter my own lack of intestinal fortitude when it comes to ignoring the siren call of my iPhone, I try to put my phone somewhere out of eyeshot from the moment I get home from work. I find myself being pulled back to it like a fish caught on a fishing line. But the more I practice the distance-method of living with tech, the better the results of ignoring the need to feed the feed!

  2. Take the apps that drain the most of your time off of your phone
    This time last year I took all of my social media apps off of my phone. Why? For the same reason that I’ll be doing the same thing again this year: they are a waste of time 99% of the time – for me at least. Mindlessly scrolling in an unaware & numbing way is such a darn waste. By taking apps off of my phone, I’ve foundthat my time online is much better spent. I hop onto a channel, do whatever it is I feel I need to, then hop off. Simple? Seemingly. The urge to tap into another universe (AKA social media) is strong. Going cold-turkey is one way to get more of you back into your days!

  3. Set yourself a time limit for aimless scrolling (chewing gum for the brain)
    If you can’t go app-less on your phone, or you’re prone to aimless scrolling on your desktop – fear not! A good way to get out of the habit of scrolling is to set yourself a time limit. I try to scroll for no more than 15minutes at a time before getting back on track & focussing in on more productive pursuits during the day (or night.) You might need 30 minutes of mindless online socialising to calm your brain a bit – the important thing is to set yourself a realistic limit so that you’re not heading online for a single google search & then look up only to realise you’ve spent ten hours reading through the entire history of the Vikings when they landed in England. Tough cookies though, them Vikings.

  4. Notice what makes you feel good, bad, or indifferent… do more of the former & less of the latter two
    This is so so so important. SUPER important, even. Being present & understanding your gut feelings when you’re online is something a lot of us don’t do well – myself included. It’s hard to make a concerted effort to understand your feelings & emotions when you’re mindlessly scrolling. That said, once you start to understand what makes you feel good, bad, or otherwise, you can curate your feeds to suit more positive interactions. Just because you’re supposed to love Beyoncé & follow kale-eating macro health bloggers doesn’t mean you have to if following them makes you feel a little bit less that the awesome you already are. It’s totally okay to unfollow or never follow the crowd in the first place. You do you, Boo.
  5. Read more books with actual pages
    Whoa. What? Yeah, I know… right? Books with pages. They’re bad for trees, but man alive, they’re sure good for your brain. They don’t have notifications, in-built distractions, or need ad-blockers to keep $hit you’re not interested in from stealing your concentration away. Books with pages are great because you can write in them, you can touch each page as you turn it, & there’s no such thing as an endless scroll. You know how far along you are in a story simply by looking at how deep you’re literally into a book. If there’s one tip in this article I follow fastidiously, it’s this one. Books with pages are modern day rock stars. Truly.

 

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Forever Friday, How To Keep Those Pre-Weekend Vibes Alive All Week

Friday. FriYAY. Saturday Jr.

Whatever you call it, Friday is our collective Bae Day. Hard not to love even the thought of it rolling around again (especially if you’re sitting on Sunday night or Monday morning), right?

With a typical work week, we give different meanings & values to each day. C’mon, we all do it. We have to, simply to survive!

Monday’s can seem overwhelming, but they’re a turn of the ignition on a new week. Tuesdays are scientifically (supposedly) our most productive days. Wednesdays are “hump days” because, whew, we’ve hit the middle of the week & are gunning for weekend vibes. Thursdays… well, they’re pretty cool. They’re like Tuesday with a taste of Friday.

And then there’s beautiful, beautiful, Friday.

A day whose most popular associated acronym literally thanks a higher power for another pre-Saturday rolling around again. TGIF, indeedy!

And, try as you might to escape it, almost all of us who work a typical 40 hour week for a living, live for Friday night & that roll-on-weekend-Momma-needs-a-break-and-most-likely-a-strong-margarita feeling. 

So here, in no particular order, I’m serving you up some ways to keep a little taste of Friday alive all week long (through the lens of each week day.)

MONDAY:
The first thing we could all do to bring a Friday Feeling to each day would be to maximise our efficiency at work.

SNOOZE! What a boring thing to suggest, right?
Nah. Wrong.

Think about it. How long do we spend mucking about with emails first thing on a Monday? How long do we spend in meetings about meetings that eventuate in more meetings about meetings we have repeating at the beginning of each week. Meetings where we achieve very little actual actual output?

Too long, I reckon.

I can’t stand busy-work. It bores me & is a super-highway with cars screaming down it at breakneck speed with the end destination being Disengagement City. I thrive on having clear direction, scoped projects, & knowing where to best spend my energy & time.

So, for Monday here’s my tip:
Make Monday YOUR DAY & use it to set the week up for success. Prioritize your work & your calendar. Set yourself some tasks. Stick to a plan.

Then… have a margarita. Monday Margaritas are the best!

TUESDAY
Ah Tuesday, our little steam engine of the week. You’re not Monday, which is a blessing for most, & you’re also the day we really get stuck into the doing part of the hard work – well most of us.

I reckon Tuesdays are ready-made for injecting a bit of Friday Feelz into from the outset. If you’ve got your week sussed on Monday, then you’re clear on where you’re going & how you’ll get there by the time the weekend rolls around.

So on Tuesday, the tip is simple:
Go hard. And, if you can, tell at least one joke to an unsuspecting colleague. The more cringeworthy & gfaw-inducing your punchline, the better.

Everyone will be busy, busy, busy doing worker bee things. A well placed Dad Joke brings a bit of Friday & a bit of snort-worthy giggles to the office.

WEDNESDAY
Ah there you are, middle ‘o the week! Over the hump, we’re headed blissfully downhill. Deep breath, we can all see, taste, & feel Friday growing closer & closer. Wednesday is a great day – really, it is.

I like to start adding Friday Feels into the middle of the week. Wistfully glancing forward towards a brighter, weekend vibe. Wednesdays usually fly by for me. It’s like I blink & they’re over.

Most likely because this is the day where the most meetings happen. Wednesday is right smack-dab in the middle of our own self-imposed time limits to finish projects or move them forward. So it’s about this time we get quite the wiggle on in the productivity stakes.

Injecting Friday into Hump Day? Here’s my tip:
It’s easy, you’re headed downhill, baby! Turn on some music, do a little dance, & keep that head up.

Thursday’s only a day away now.

THURSDAY
Yassssss, we’re almost there team. Seriously. The prize is waiting to be grabbed with both hands… and it’s only one more day of hard yakka away.

I actually adore Thursdays. Thor’s Day, as it were. I always feel a bit pumped, like the people on Venice Beach with arms the size of tree-trunks, getting this close to the end of the week has this little gym-junkie raring to get a few more sets (AKA ‘meetings & projects’) in before mañana rolls around.

Thursdays are full of pizzaz, productivity, & peace of mind in knowing that Bae Day is close enough to touch.

And, so we rock it, don’t we team? Injecting Friday into a Thursday… easy as:
Just roll with it. Take the knocks with a smile. Sprint until your legs give out. You’re almost there.

FRIYAY!
We made it.

Yasssssss! How do we then go about Injecting more Friday into Friday?

That sounds crazy. Absurd. Ridiculous even… but I reckon we should. Enjoy a day of casual dress. Take even a small lunch break & really make it ‘your time’ to start winding down – or up. Because if you’re like me, you don’t take lunch breaks every other day – even though you should – so TGIF is the day to do it.

Why celebrate a day just because it’s nearer the weekend than other days? Because, life is short & the weeks fly by. Don your sexy-as rose coloured glasses & pay the Pied Piper of Happiness. You deserve it!

Bring on the freakin’ weekend, or summat.

There you have it, Team. A few tips to inject Friday Feelings into the rest of the week. Whether you take these to heart – or simply just remember to slow down every now & again throughout the work week to re-set, re-energize, & re-organize.

We all work so hard & live busy lives. Perhaps the best way to live at all times is to take time to simply reflect & be thankful.

Friday, I know one thing’s for certain, I’m thankful for YOU!

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My Top 10 For 2018: Resolutions, Predictions & Trends

It had to happen team. You know me, a sucker for a good ‘ol listicle or resolution post. I mean, would I really be worth my weight in blogger/vlogger salty-sweetness if a New Year occurred & I didn’t post something about fresh starts & looking ahead?

Grab yourself a cuppa, settle in for about five minutes (if you’re a skim-reader, it’ll only take you 2 minutes) & enjoy my take on the year ahead.

Also, if you’re just not having a bar of this ‘reading-stuff’ this year (I mean, reading? It’s so 1500AD), GOOD NEWS! I also made a video about this exact topic which I’ll also add to the bottom of this.

Have a look & if you like the video, please subscribe to my YouTube channel. There will be more vlogs in the coming months. Some, not all, will include gin & hijinks. All will include heart & soul.

And, there will surely be lots of hand movement. #handtalker

As always, your respectful comments are always welcome!
Good discourse lives here…

  1. Concentrate on Health
    This is an all-encompassing statement for me. Health being defined as liberally as you an imagine as that of mind, body & soul. I’ve let my gym routine slip a bit in 2017, which is a sure way to lead me to unbalance in all parts of my life. I’ve always been a gym-goer, moving my body relaxes my mind & allows me to think more creatively. So, there’ll be more moving of the creaky body (we’ve exercised 15 of the last 18 days, which is fab!) Mentally, I’ll be giving myself space & time to think deeply. To ask questions. To search out answers. By doing this, I grow. Sometimes fast, sometimes more slowly. But the growth is visible & my heart is happy. Health, welcome back to Casa Roma in 2018.
  2. Celebrate Small Successes
    This is something that we all should do. I think we get so caught up in big goals & big projects, that we forget to celebrate the smaller milestones along the way that lead to greater things. Being able to identify & celebrate moments that make our days brighter & better mean we’ll all be a bit happier & a go a lot easier on ourselves when we mess up. As our own worst critics, taking time to practice being our own biggest fans is a super-important habit to get into.
  3. Celebrate the Successes of Others
    As with the above, it’s imperative that we start celebrating the good in others more often. Be it a win at work, a new skill learned at home, or a simple compliment to a stranger on the street – celebrating others & their successes helps everyone feel better about themselves & their journeys. I’ve actually scheduled into my weekly calendar a time that’s set aside simply for sending JWD (job well done) emails to others. I can tell you, it feels great to make others feel good!
  4. There Is No Impossible
    Seriously? Yep, seriously. After watching ‘The Crown’ on Netflix over the past week, I’m all about Winnie. Churchill, that is. Always a sucker for a good, pithy quote, I’ve been reminded quite a lot recently that the only limitations we have are those that we set on ourselves. We are allowed to interpret everything that happens in our lives in our own way. Therefore, failure isn’t failure. Failure is an opportunity to learn. And, as Winnie said “SUCCESS consists in staggering from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.” Me? I’m as enthusiastic as they come! #TallyHo
  5. Giving Back
    This one is as simple as it sounds. We all get caught up in our daily routines, & because of it, don’t spend as much time as we might like giving back. Small moments of joy in spending time with people in the community or in mentoring others fills my soul to the brim. This year I’ve put into motion dedicating more time to giving back. As Co-chair of the Auckland Pride board, I’ll be able to work more in the LGBTQ+ community. And, as a now elder-stateswoman of the social & digital media community in Australasia (I like to call myself OG to pretend I’m a little bit hip & with-it still!), I’m spending more time mentoring young marketers, storytellers, & social media influencers. Carving out time to give back is just as important as carving out time to ourselves. Both do fantastic jobs at making life more fulfilling in the longterm.
  6. Coffees + Cocktails
    I’ll be saying “Yes!” to both of these more often this year. In fact, in the first month back to work, I’ve already got quite a few catch-ups with old friends, new colleagues, & interesting people I’ve been meaning to see for yonks all lined up. The coffees & cocktails bit is simply to keep ye olde whistle whet while pontificating & lol-ing. I’m telling you, Team, thirty minute chats are sometimes the best chats you’ll ever have.
  7. Read More Novels
    I started reading more novels about entrepreneurs & conscious workplaces last year, & I’ve continued into 2018 doing the same. That whole ‘meaning to get around to reading…’ thing? Yeah, I’m getting around to it now. I find a lot of inspiration in knowing that other people out there have struggled to find their place, found it, & are making a life doing things they’re passionate about. Right now I’m reading Entrepreneurial You by a great author & speaker, Dorie Clark. I’ve also (FINALLY!) gotten around to reading the 4 Hour Work Week by Tim Ferris. I’ve got a lovely line-up of books to jump into by Richard Branson, Kurt Vonnegut Jr. & more. Go on & get yourself some inspo in the form of novels. If you’re like me, you’ll be simultaneously thrilled & fired-up.   
  8. Pride, Yasssssssss
    Ah, Pride! Butterflies, rainbows & love winning the day. After years of raising up a small child, this Momma is ready to do more work with the LGBTQ+ community in New Zealand & beyond. Alongside friends, family, & my amazingly supportive wife, 2018 is shaping up to be quite the year for continuing our commitment to safety, voice, & equality in our rainbow communities. The Auckland Pride Festival kicks off on the 2nd of February & runs though to the 18th, & I’m so excited to be working with amazing people, brands & festival/parade directors to deliver such a diverse range of events & shows over this time. Love always wins. Always.
  9. Spending Time With Family
    This is a no-brainer. But, again, in a world hell-bent on glorifying ‘busyness for the sake of being busy’ we often don’t see a lot of each other as we run from home to work to school during the week. My little nuclear family here in NZ is my world. My wife & daughter are everything to me – so this year, finally, I’ve made a few decisions that will actually put them first when it comes to my time & attention. Firstly, I’ll be doing more drop-offs & pick-ups with my daughter. She’s off to intermediate/middle school this year, & I aim to help her ease into a new routine by being more consistent in my presence in her life before & after school. As for my marriage, we’re already really good with having time to ourselves for date nights, Netflix marathons, filming vlogs, adventuring… this year we’ll maintain the level of fun at home & then some. As for family abroad, I’m committing to heading home more this year. I need to spend time with my parents & cannot wait to welcome another niece into the world early next year. Spending time with the little ones is magical. I guess this means we’ll be seeing you soon, California & Detroit!
  10. Live a Life of Kindness
    This is my ethos, my driving reason for being, & the only way I can understand the world. Through a lens of kindness, everything becomes clearer. I’m not going to lie, there are times when other people act in ways which they shouldn’t, when they become heartless & angry. But, when you live a life of kindness, you see their pain. You recognise their ego, their fears. And, you empathise. It is kindness, not just shared genetics or culture, that binds us together. Together we’re stronger. Together we’re better. So kindness, as saccharine-sweet & cliche as it may be, is the only way to live.

If you’ve made it this far, YEE HAW! Thank you.

Click ‘play’ below & enjoy my first vlog of 2018.
Cheers & Happy New Year, team!

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Why It’s Important To Be A ‘Challenger’ At Work

I’m stuck.

And I’m hoping you can help me out with a little modern-day conundrum.

Here’s the deal:
I don’t get the narrative we’re sold about how we should all live our lives.

Wait, let me rephrase, I do get it. I probably understand it far too well – and it’s messing with my head a bit recently.

You know the narrative I’m referring to. It’s the one that’s been built upon thousands of years of tradition, religion, and accepted inequality.

We’re told what we should do. We’re told what right and wrong are. And, for the most part, the great majority of people in our beautiful world buy into the whole shebang.

We’re not born sheep. But we’re taught to act like them more and more as we grow older.

What’s the deal with Keeping Up With the Joneses? Why are so many people obsessed with ‘stuff’ – so much so that they spend the majority of their lives in traffic or in offices to obtain the stuff they rarely use because they’re so time poor?

When did we all forget to just take in a sunset, or to find joy in time spent with family? When did the ideal of ‘busyness’ creep into our lives as a marker of success?  When will we, as a collective, go back to a pursuit of happiness and kindness over cold, hard cashola?

I’m not sure how to answer the questions above.

We all go about our days, weeks, months and years fairly similarly. All the while, we duck and weave that little tug inside of our heads and hearts, all to keep enlightenment and deep thought at bay.

It’s as if we live so fast and hard that we fear slowing down. We’d rather keep up the pace of facade than face our most genuine selves – just in case we realize we’re not sheep.

In most western societies, we start our journey to ‘success’ by going to school. At school we’re taught that we must sit still when we’re told to, run and play on a schedule, obey, learn by rote, and ‘repeat after me.’

We do what we’re told and get a lovely little pat on the head.

For following the rules, we’re given gold stars. Sticky sweet-fixes that hard wire our baby brains to tell our adult brains that we should conform to imposed standards instead of adapt while we learn.

We (especially us girls) aren’t supposed to ask questions, be curious, or speak out (especially not out of turn.) Lord forbid any of us ever questioned why we did what we did, or why we learned what we learned.

We just went with the norm. Didn’t make waves. We have always been told not to make waves, haven’t we? We’re just here to play the game by the rules someone else wrote. We’re not to change the rules (or even attempt to re-write them completely).

Nope. We’re here to just accept the world as it is. Inequalities dripping from the underbelly of unbreakable glass ceilings.

We’re told to repeat the mantras and learn the jargon.

Success is not measured by kindness or joy brought to others, but rather in quantifiable numbers on bank ledgers and the logo we wear on our clothing.

After school we’re supposed to find a ‘nice boy’, settle down, buy a house, have some babies to raise, and quietly delight in cooking meals for our brood.

Afterwards, doing the laundry, juggling a corporate career, and trying to find time for inner-peace as well. All the while striving to make it to the pinnacle of our human existence: retirement.

Grey haired. Porch sitting. Rocking chair knitting. A grandchild bouncing on each knee. Yep… those are supposed to be our best years.

While this scenario might be a dream for many, it’s a nightmare for me.

At this precise moment in time, as I sit here tippity-typing away on my MacBook (such a cliche) raging against the rules by which I’ve been told to live.

Before you ask, yes, I’m acutely aware of the ultimate irony of my life to date.

That irony being that I’ve followed the Path-of-Good-Educated-Girl-Who-Does-What-She-Should to a T. I’d get an A++ in the school of life for following the rules.

Yep, the path I’ve walked down has always been that of least resistance. Which isn’t a bad thing. I’ve just always been one to choose my battles while weighing all of the odds and thinking of the longterm.

Why choose the road to Normalville?

I did it because I thought that path was supposed to be my ticket to happiness. And, it was for a good long time. I also didn’t want to let my family and friends down.

In trying to live up to the ideals of others, I took a while to find myself.

For a long time, I was right on track to live the same, cookie-cutter life as most of us who were raised in the pre-Facebook, Zack Morris, Xennial times of rainbows and butterflies and sun-drenched sappy love songs.

Gag. Someone change the channel, will ya?

Every day I’m rufflin’ (feathers, that is)

How have I ruffled feathers? Simple. I’ve asked questions. Lots of them. Of myself and of others. Mostly to learn, to evolve, to innovate – and ultimately to grow as a person.

What I’ve found super intriguing is that asking questions causes people to stop and think. Sometimes abruptly. And, most people don’t like doing that. It’s uncomfortable.

Stopping to really evaluate a situation or choice makes most people feel uncertain – in themselves and in the world around them.

It makes them think about their own life choices. And, makes them remember that they have the ability to chose. Nothing is pre-determined.

Basically, asking questions causes most people to step outside of the comfortable narrative they’re buying into.

Me? I’m getting comfortable with being uncomfortable.

I’m recently divorced and am onto my second marriage. I don’t fit any stereotypes anymore – though I used to fit them all. That spectrum people talk about? I skate up and down it on the daily.

I’m simply, unapologetically me. And, I’m happy in my skin for the first time in a very long time.

I’m also a better parent, partner, colleague, and friend for it.

Sitting here on the cusp of what I hope will be an epiphany (and not a pre-midlife crisis), I’m questioning everything.

My home, my car, my bank account, my hair colour, my clothes, my plan, my purpose.

Why question everything? Because I’ve seen the Challengers. They’re brazen and brave. I’ve even toyed around with the notion of being one without committing to it whole-heartedly.

It’s that one-toe-in, one-toe-out approach that’s the worse! You’ve tasted true freedom of choice, but then teeter back to normalcy.

I’ve seen the spark in their eyes, these Challengers. I’ve breathed in the passion in their souls, and felt the burning heat from the fire in their smiles.

I’ve pontificated late into the evenings and gone of on otherworldly tangents – learning all the while – with these oddballs who poo-poo societal norms.

I’m ready to be a Challenger.

I’m ready to commit to Otherness. Outsiderhood.

I want to be someone who exudes individuality. Someone who lives for the pleasure of living. And, someone who works and toils endlessly the betterment of others.

I want to spend time with people I love. Earn money to live, not live to earn money (this is an old hippy chestnut of a saying, but is a goodie I cling to.)

And, most importantly, I want to be genuinely passionate about asking questions. I want to hear other peoples’ stories and forge my own path. Write my own narrative. Be happy without the confines of normality.

What are your thoughts on bucking the trends?

Why must we all follow similar, already forged paths when there are potentially better/different/alternative ways to get from one place to another?

Here’s to questioning, challenging…

…and to being The Challengers.

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Welcoming Disappointment

Being an adult (a happy one) is a many faceted thing. Happiness being an individual construct, we all get there on our own time, taking our own roads, and learning different lessons along the way that help us distill the good-stuff into such a potent potion that all we’re left with is appreciation.

One of the biggest moments of clarity in the realm of being at peace and finding happiness part of my life came when I realized that everyone’s a little bit messed up. And I mean, everyone. The people you love, the people you don’t. And even the people you most look up to. And it’s this imperfect perfection that binds us all together in empathy and confusion.

Being at peace with the messed-uppedness of the world around us is liberating. Truly. When you’re able to accept that disappointment & futile attempts at understanding the intentions of the universe might either break you or make you – then you’re well on your way to finding firm footing in a world always in flux.

I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that everyone’s imperfect from a very young age. It was almost as if, as a child of summer and heatwaves, I had a super-powered empathy switch that let me see other children and adults as beings who were searching for something they’d never achieve. Was it perfection they longed for? I think it was. In their quests to become as close to perfect as they could, they stumbled. Often. And, each stumble or misstep broke them. Sometimes a lot. Sometimes they were just a little bit broken. So, while many couldn’t see them, I clearly saw the cracks in their facades in eyes that didn’t dance while lips tried to mislead us with false smiles on rosy cheeks. Both the light and the darkness pushed and pulled in a tug-o-war of shadows across strained, stressed out faces.

They were trying to hide disappointment. Disappointment. Gah! It shatters people – I’ve seen it. I’ve been it. And, over time, I’ve learned to quickly move on from it.

I decided a long time ago, before Pinterest and pithy internet quotes, to not just forgive others for their fucked up states or for disappointing themselves/me/each other. But, to forgive myself first. We carry so much in this world already – why carry guilt, anger, stress, or negativity? Those things are so laden with solitude. With sadness. With bone crushing exhaustion. I instead carry curiosity, forgiveness, and understanding. As cliche as it sounds, we all do get to choose how to act and react to life. To moments. To sadness and joy. This isn’t to say that I never grapple with frustration, soul crushing despair, and other negative feelings. I do. I just accept these feelings. I stop where I am, acknowledge them. Work through why I’m feeling them. And then drop them. I will not carry them – not for long.

Many times in life, recognizing when to close a chapter versus when to keep putting pen to paper will be the difference between being happy – and not. My advice is simple: let go of what you cannot change. Hang onto the people who make you feel invincible and silly. And, forgive yourself quickly – even if you’ve fucked up royally. Beauty is all around in the random, unchangeable, and irreverent ways of the world. All of my heroes have feet of clay.

I know this much is true.

Below is a video I shot recently on the very topic of Disappointment. Have a watch, share it if you like. And, remember to go easy on yourself.

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The Day That Changed Everything

I recorded my first vlog last Thursday (New Zealand time.) It’d been a long time coming. A reaaaaaallllllllllllllllllly long time.

You see, I’ve been writing long-form and short-form blogs on topics ranging from fitness, to parenthood, to leadership, to feminism, to Dad Jokes for nigh on a decade now (yes, I am THAT old). So it just made sense that vlogging would be the next step for me when it comes to embracing the tickle of creativity in new forms and channels.

That said, there’s always been a little hitch in my proverbial get-along when it comes to posting a vlog. Writing has always come naturally, almost easily, to me. Words are comforting. In them I find routine, familiarity, and power. Discovering new words and marrying them together with those I’ve written a million times over to form a rhythmic sentence is a joyful experience. Blogs, Facebook posts, Tweets, and Tumblr posts are malleable, editable. And, they allow me the freedom to re-jig a sentence or a paragraph if the first version wasn’t exactly how I’d imagined. In short: even though I can am fearless behind a camera, and in facing a blank page that yearns to be filled with emotions and dreams and pain… I am shit-scared of looking down the lens of a camera and opening up.

I’ve got all of the whiz-bang gear that any self-respecting Youtuber in the making needs. A sharp DSLR camera. Lighting rig. Heavy-duty tripods all around. And an opinion on most things (with, unlike many young content creators, decades of experience to back up said opinions.) That said, it took something big, frightening, and altogether maddening to get me into the DOING the doing. The only way I was truly going to allow myself to feel vulnerable, unprotected, and open to criticism, was in speaking up for others more vulnerable than me.

That’s why I had to do it Thursday.

Thursday was the day that the President of the United States decided to strike out at a brave community of already marginalized people. He, in a series of hateful tweets, tried to crush the aspirations and professional journeys of 15,000 trans Americans serving in our military back home. I know that this was a diversionary tactic meant to distract from his other criminal behaviors. But, this time he picked on the wrong people. At the wrong time. On the wrong platform. I for one had finally had enough.

From the moment I woke up to Trump’s idiotic, bombastic tweets I actually felt a both a physical and emotional response in myself. My eyes cried angry tears. My next blushed red with anger. And, I felt completely hopefully to do anything to help anyone. Being so far from home, I couldn’t join in the marches, or help the cause on the ground with my physical presence. And, I didn’t think something as simple as words on a page would be enough to let our trans brothers and sisters across the world know that they’re not alone. That I’m here for them. That they’re burdens on no one.

And then it hit me, this was the time. I needed to give those who feel like they don’t have a one, a voice – by using mine. For the first time ever, I needed to make a stand and speak up.

Trans people are not a burden.
They are brave.
They are strong.
They are worthy.

When simply leaving the house in the morning is an act of defiance, then I could face an unquestioning camera in an empty room and add my voice to their fight. Thursday (and, for that matter, every day) was as good a day as any to reaffirm the beauty in our differences. All of us. In my vlog, I ask my fellow Americans – as well as other global allies and citizens –  to stand with me in protecting our most vulnerable.

It was touch-and-go there for a moment when I thought I might break down into tears. Or spout expletives in rage. But, for those without a voice, I tried to use mine in the most respectful way I thought possible at the time.

Below is the video I made. Please watch it, and if you’d like, share it. If only one person watches it and sees that there’s help and love in the world for them – and they realize that others will stand with them and help carry the weight of their world – then I’ve done my job.

Our country was founded on the acceptance of difference. On different-ness.  Creed, race, religion… all of it. We need to go back to celebrating that which both binds us and makes us unique. We need to stand for those who cannot stand for themselves.

Kindness first, always.

#NotMyPresident #TransRightsAreHumanRights